One of the main pains in the ass while Captain Awesome was in training was writing letters. It’s probably gonna continue to plague us on and off until the law is repealed, so I’ve resigned to getting used to it, but that doesn’t stop it from being a pain in the ass.
Maybe it’s easy for some gay partners to write letters. Maybe there are some of you out there who just say, Hey babe, how you doing? I read a new book today! Etcetera. But that’s not how I roll. My unedited letters usually go more like, Hey little dyke! My nipples are thinking about your nipples!
I’m not even exaggerating. That’s just how gay I am. Captain Awesome and I are some of the gayest people out there. I’m so gay that I’m not even gay! I’m actually a pansexual playboy!
Anyway, I of course read immediately over what I’ve written and think, Crap. No matter what I sign my name as, that is still the gayest thing the military censors will ever read in their entire lives.
Maybe there aren’t censors. Maybe the military just lets any mail go in and out of their bases.
Either way, I’m not taking the chance. If it weren’t for Captain Awesome, I swear I wouldn’t let those fools control me. If it was MY career at stake, I wouldn’t care. I’d walk into that dog and pony show wearing a rainbow thong and DARE them to do something about it. But when it’s your partner and not you, it’s not your call.
So I — and probably the rest of you military-affiliated homos out there– have to edit severely. I can’t tell how many times I’ve written a letter, read it, reread it, and then not sent it. Which sucks, because I’m a pretty good writer of erotica. I would love to give Captain Awesome some warm and cuddly thoughts to go to sleep with. Since she can’t sleep with me.
It goes way beyond signing a fake name.
Which is why the minute she gets settled at her new base, I’m telling her to get a P.O. box. At least she’s in the States so she can do that. A lot of you don’t have that option. And I’m sure writing in a secret code would just cause your letter to get blown up, especially if it resembled Arabic script.