Ding, dong, DADT is dead!

Got Homophobia?

What up, queer-loving readers!  This is the Confirmed Bachelor, hollering at you live from the US of A.  Today’s queer partner topic: getting harassed about being queer when you’re not supposed to talk about being queer.  The general consensus: it sucks. If it happens to you, my only advice is to turn the other cheek and then blog about it so the whole world knows what a loser the person is.

When Captain Awesome left for her training, I offered to act as the “designated agent” who oversees the moving of her household goods. I figured the risk level was low. The military usually contracts independent movers. She put ‘friend’ on the paperwork and we were good to go.

The move went fine. The problem was the movers themselves. For you to understand what happened you first have to know that Captain Awesome’s apartment is a den of tribadism.  It’s a shrine to sodomy. It’s a pedestal to pederasts. It’s an altar in the temple of Saphho.

In other words, her apartment is Too Gay All Day.

The movers, two straight men, picked up on this immediately. Almost right as they came in they saw the elegant painting of two naked women on the living room wall. “So who are we moving?” the younger one asked me with a lewd grin. “Are you all just friends? Is she your roommate?”

“We went to the same university,” I said guardedly.

“I see,” he said, in a tone that meant he did see. All too well.

Less than half an hour into the packing, he comes up to me and says, “Look. Your friend likes my favorite show.”  Somehow – just call it blind intuition–  I guessed before I looked that he was holding one of her L-Word DVD boxed sets.  “You know anything about this?” he continued with the same pervy grin. “You seen it?”

Of course I had seen it. We spent hours cuddling and watching it together during the snow last winter.

“No,” I said.

He and the other guy got into a giant discussion of how they thought the L-Word should have been improved, which mainly involved more adding straight men to the cast.  I tried to practice Don’t Tell and refrain from saying anything, but when they started talking about adding scenes of Bette and Tina having sex with men, I couldn’t resist. “Did you ever think that maybe their world doesn’t revolve around pleasing men?”  I said.

More laughter. “What’s the matter?” the guy said. “You don’t like men?”

Normally I would have said something sarcastic about men like them turning me gay. Normally I would have been all OVER their asses. They knew that, and they knew I couldn’t be, and they thought it was funny.  That pissed me off to no end. It’s totally not cool when you know somebody’s in a position where they can’t say anything, and instead of respecting that you exploit it.

And they exploited it all day. The worst part was when one of them came out of the bedroom holding something Captain Awesome and I had been looking for for a long time: a cute black thong. “Check out what your friend has,” he said. “Did you know anything about this?”

That was it. I stalked across the living room and snatched it out of his hand. “Just pack her things!” I cried.

After that they mostly shut up. The thing is, they didn’t even realize how disrespectful they were being. If I had asked them I’m sure they would have said they were completely supportive of gayness (in women). They weren’t being purposefully malicious — they thought it was all one big joke, and it never occurred to them that I wasn’t in on it.  It didn’t occur to them that I might be livid enough to breathe fire, seeing them go through things that have special meaning to Captain Awesome and me as if they were at a yard sale.

But there are always small victories with these things.  One of the movers went excitedly back to packing Captain Awesome’s DVD’s, when suddenly he dropped one as if it had burned him. “Aw, sick!” he exclaimed.  “I hate seeing that shit!”

It was Captain Awesome’s giant DVD set of gay male porn.

Where I’m from we call that a taste of your own medicine.

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