The biggest thing that intrudes upon our lives under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is fear. Which sounds lame to me, because when I say ‘fear’ I think of people cringing and whimpering in the fetal position. And I’m not scared like that. Shoot; the Pentagon’s just lucky they have my partner in their clutches. ‘Cause if they didn’t, I would be on them like a spider monkey this second. I’d be plastering stickers all over military bases, the kind that are hard to get off. Don’t mess with the gays.
So I wouldn’t say I’m afraid. But my lady and I live with fear. For me, it’s like my hands are tied. It’s like they’re holding her ransom, saying, if you try anything, we’ll really mess things up for her.
It’s that fear that keeps us looking over our shoulders every other second when we’re out together (no pun intended this time, because we’re not actually out), even when walking on a completely abandoned road in the middle of nowhere. Because a car might come.
It’s that fear that causes us to walk with a marked distance between us whenever we go out, even though we’re used to holding hands everywhere. And it’s what caused us to stay in her house most of the time I was visiting her, even though the weather was beautiful and I wanted her to show me around her neighborhood.
And it’s fear that causes us to have a whole code based on nothing but head nods.
Head nod: there are some soldiers over there.
Head nod: If we weren’t in public, I would kiss you for saying something so sweet.
Head nod: Yeah, we better leave.
Head nod: I love you.
Head nod: This sucks.
Head nod: One day this will end.