If you’ve ever texted your queer military partner while they’re at work, and if they’ve ever texted back, then your partner needs a privacy screen for their phone. Those things are the best. I would post a picture of one, but I don’t want to needlessly promote any of those smart-phone brands.
Basically the privacy screen is a little skin that sticks on top of your phone screen. You buy a square of it at your local phone store (well, it’s probably not that local), and then they or you can cut it down to a size that fits your phone.
The screen makes it so that you can only see the screen of your phone if you’re looking directly at it. Tip the thing ten degrees to the side and it goes completely black. Which is pretty handy when you want to check out your lady’s picture but there are a bunch of nosy straight people right next to you.
A privacy screen makes all the difference. I can’t tell you how many times Captain Awesome has been glad she got one. It keeps her from looking around suspiciously every time she sends a text message or looks at my picture. In fact, it even allows her to have my picture as her home screen (which I still don’t think she should do, but that hasn’t stopped her).
Since Captain Awesome went active duty, we’ve both been surprised by the amount of fake-ass marriages military people enter. I knew what a contract marriage was, and I knew soldiers could get in trouble for it, but my mom and dad didn’t exactly gossip about it to my face when I was a kid living on bases.
A contract marriage is basically a marriage of convenience. Single enlisted people often enter them so they can live off post. They get a housing allowance, and their “spouse” gets complete military benefits.
“But that’s dishonest!”
No kidding, fool. So is lying about your sexuality day in and day out. Fight fire with fire: arrange a contract marriage!
The ideal connection for Captain Awesome and me would be to meet a gay male couple with one member in the military. I would marry the gay soldier, and Captain Awesome would marry the gay civilian.This way, everyone involved in this love diamond would get to chill on base and have military health care and stuff. You know, the stuff they give straight people anyway.
Also, Captain Awesome and the gay male soldier would get to breathe more easily. Shit, we could even all live in a duplex together. The only problem would be that we would be bound to this couple, even if we fought or later disagreed on terms. And also, it could be just our luck that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell would be repealed the day after we tied the knot. So I definitely would want to wait until the results of the Pentagon’s “study” are released. Just in case, I don’t know, they release some actual information.
I’m so serious, though. Any gay guy couples out there wanna negotiate with us? Drop me a line. In secret, of course, because contract marriages are wrong.
The T-shirt with which I will thwart Obama's Counterterrorism Forces Of Doom.
When I was in — oops, I was about to say where I was. Not cool!
Let’s begin again. When I was visiting Captain Awesome in an undisclosed location in the South (I’m not gonna lie, my active imagination kind of likes the secrecy. It’s like being a secret agent. If you can’t be seen together, you can at least be a secret agent, right?)
Anyway, when we were visiting each other I had the perfect idea for a really strong DADT repellent: an I Heart My Boyfriend T-shirt!
This is why. First of all, it’s obvious that any woman who wears that is straight. So straight that not only does she have sex with men; she has a BOYFRIEND.
Second of all, whenever I see someone wearing that shirt, I never notice what they look like. I never notice the people they’re with. The only thing I notice is how FREAKING RIDICULOUS their shirt is. They make me gag sometimes. And I’ve seen people wearing them who are way old enough to know better.
So I could be snogging Captain Awesome while she’s in uniform in the middle of the street, and all people would be able to think is, ‘God that shirt is disgusting.’
I mean, I’m not gonna push our luck. But I’m definitely gonna get two or three of these and wear them constantly next time we visit. Which could be Labor Day, as long as my job keeps employing me and paying me.
Only one problem with this DADT repellent, which my housemate pointed out: onlookers can’t see that you love your boyfriend from the back.
Still working out that kink.
My lady and I have been trying to collect things that will make things easier to live a life of duplicity under the military’s draconian antigay laws. Number one: tinted windows for your car.
Like I said, my partner just graduated officer training. I guess I should think up a cute pseudonym for her. Let’s see. I think I’ll go with Captain Awesome. If I were a captain I would definitely want to change my last name to Awesome. That way even when people hated me, they would still have to call me Captain Awesome.
Anywawy, I got to go to the South to see Captain Awesome (I love it!) graduate officer training, which I was crazy psyched about because the six weeks she was in training was the longest we had ever been apart. And then the last three weeks were mostly in the field, so we didn’t even get to talk on the phone. I was chill about it, but the truth was I was dying to see her.
We had decided to be discreet when we saw each other since the city she was in is just teeming with military personnel. But I swear when I saw her at the airport I almost tore off my shirt and jumped around screaming gay things. That’s how happy I was to see her.
But of course I didn’t do that. I walked up to her, my quivering mouth the only indication of how close my smile was to exploding off my face. She had the same expression. I said with mock formality: “Good afternoon, Captain.” In the end we permitted ourselves a brief hug, then walked somewhat stiffly to her car– where we fell on each other’s bosoms. I was pretty worked up. Like, I was laughing and crying and grabbing her boobs and everything. I think my own boobs got grabbed too.
After a minute, Captain Awesome revved up the car and sped off.
“I need tinted windows,” she said.