Since Captain Awesome went active duty, we’ve both been surprised by the amount of fake-ass marriages military people enter. I knew what a contract marriage was, and I knew soldiers could get in trouble for it, but my mom and dad didn’t exactly gossip about it to my face when I was a kid living on bases.
A contract marriage is basically a marriage of convenience. Single enlisted people often enter them so they can live off post. They get a housing allowance, and their “spouse” gets complete military benefits.
“But that’s dishonest!”
No kidding, fool. So is lying about your sexuality day in and day out. Fight fire with fire: arrange a contract marriage!
The ideal connection for Captain Awesome and me would be to meet a gay male couple with one member in the military. I would marry the gay soldier, and Captain Awesome would marry the gay civilian.This way, everyone involved in this love diamond would get to chill on base and have military health care and stuff. You know, the stuff they give straight people anyway.
Also, Captain Awesome and the gay male soldier would get to breathe more easily. Shit, we could even all live in a duplex together. The only problem would be that we would be bound to this couple, even if we fought or later disagreed on terms. And also, it could be just our luck that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell would be repealed the day after we tied the knot. So I definitely would want to wait until the results of the Pentagon’s “study” are released. Just in case, I don’t know, they release some actual information.
I’m so serious, though. Any gay guy couples out there wanna negotiate with us? Drop me a line. In secret, of course, because contract marriages are wrong.