Ding, dong, DADT is dead!

Posts tagged ‘don’t ask don’t tell’

Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell

Some comic relief for all you military homos out there. Stay strong. Maybe one day your military will look like this.


Lady Gaga’s Interview With Ellen at the VMAs

Lady Gaga and Ellen in front of one camera? Priceless. Lady Gaga hanging out with West Point cadet and repeal activist Katie Miller? Even better. Watch Gaga compare her meat dress, made out of the flesh of fellow animals (which I’m sure PETA will be having funerals for this week), to the impact of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell. And best of all, watch Ellen looking good.

I have just one question: in a fight between Ellen and Rachel Maddow, who would win?

DADT Repellent #3: Contract Marriages

Since Captain Awesome went active duty, we’ve both been surprised by the amount of fake-ass marriages military people enter. I knew what a contract marriage was, and I knew soldiers could get in trouble for it, but my mom and dad didn’t exactly gossip about it to my face when I was a kid living on bases.

A contract marriage is basically a marriage of convenience. Single enlisted people often enter them so they can live off post. They get a housing allowance, and their “spouse” gets complete military benefits.

“But that’s dishonest!”

No kidding, fool. So is lying about your sexuality day in and day out. Fight fire with fire: arrange a contract marriage!

The ideal connection for Captain Awesome and me would be to meet a gay male couple with one member in the military. I would marry the gay soldier, and Captain Awesome would marry the gay civilian.This way, everyone  involved in this love diamond would get to chill on base and have military health care and stuff. You know, the stuff they give straight people anyway.

Also, Captain Awesome and the gay male soldier would get to breathe more easily. Shit, we could even all live in a duplex together. The only problem would be that we would be bound to this couple, even if we fought or later disagreed on terms. And also, it could be just our luck that Don’t Ask Don’t Tell would be repealed the day after we tied the knot. So I definitely would want to wait until the results of the Pentagon’s “study” are released. Just in case, I don’t know, they release some actual information.

I’m so serious, though. Any gay guy couples out there wanna negotiate with us? Drop me a line. In secret, of course, because contract marriages are wrong.

(Somewhat) Out At Lunch

First of all, I’m having a fangirl moment. My favorite gay military partner ever to battle Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (alright, the only other one I know of) gave me a shout-out. Gay Soldier’s Husband is a beast. He’s gone through more than I ever want to go through (but will probably go through at some point). Deployment, PTSD, everything. I don’t know how he does it. Also, he’s kind of famous. He’s been in a documentary even.

So he’s like, the coolest person who could have hollered at me. See you next week when we go to tell the Pentagon what’s UP, Husband!

Anyway. I chilled with my “in-laws” today. They’re not really my in-laws because Captain Awesome and I aren’t married. I don’t even know if we’re married in my mind. We’ve been dating over a year-and-a-half and are totally committed to a long-term thing, but I don’t know when that becomes a marriage. Especially when there’s no legal structure that defines your relationship for you.

But anyway, I’ll just call them “in-laws” in quotes so you see that they’re not really my in-laws, just sort of. That’s what quotes are for.

We went to– haha, you thought you got me there. Not telling!

We ate lunch at this fancy restaurant. I wouldn’t say the “in-laws” are ridiculously loaded, but they do have a higher standard of what makes a “nice meal” than I do. I mean, the restaurant had a dress code. And we had a cheese plate with apricot jam. (It made me feel really smart to talk with the waiter about the merits of Iberico versus Manchego. I didn’t tell them that I got this cheese experience at Trader Joe’s.)

Basically, the “in-laws” consist of Captain Awesome’s mother and sister (known as Mrs. Awesome and Sister Awesome, respectively. It’s a real last name). Without going too much into it (though I’m not violating privacy because you don’t know them), Captain Awesome’s father recently died. Since his death, her mother’s been making an effort to travel a lot and visit her daughters. So she was staying with Sister Awesome, who lives near me.

Mrs. Awesome and I weren’t exactly best friends when we first met, but once she saw that I was committed to her kid and would step up in times of crisis, her heart warmed to me. On their way to pick me up, she left me a voicemail that ended with, “I can’t wait to see you!” I was touched. A little surprised, but mostly touched.

So we had a nice lunch. We got gelato afterwards. I enjoy hanging out with them. Since Captain Awesome is my first major relationship, having “in-laws” is a new thing to me. Having “in-laws” who like me is even more interesting. It’s nice because, in a world that tries to tell you every day that you and your lady don’t exist, friendly “in-laws” seriously validates your existence.

I know a lot of others aren’t as lucky as I am with this. A lot of others will never, ever meet their partner’s family, or even introduce their partner to their own family. Believe me, I feel lucky every day. Captain Awesome’s mom only supports civil unions, but you would never know it from the way she treats me.


The biggest thing that intrudes upon our lives under Don’t Ask Don’t Tell is fear. Which sounds lame to me, because when I say ‘fear’ I think of people cringing and whimpering in the fetal position. And I’m not scared like that. Shoot; the Pentagon’s just lucky they have my partner in their clutches. ‘Cause if they didn’t, I would be on them like a spider monkey this second. I’d be plastering stickers all over military bases, the kind that are hard to get off. Don’t mess with the gays.

So I wouldn’t say I’m afraid. But my lady and I live with fear. For me, it’s like my hands are tied. It’s like they’re holding her ransom, saying, if you try anything, we’ll really mess things up for her.

It’s that fear that keeps us looking over our shoulders every other second when we’re out together (no pun intended this time, because we’re not actually out), even when walking on a completely abandoned road in the middle of nowhere. Because a car might come.

It’s that fear that causes us to walk with a marked distance between us whenever we go out, even though we’re used to holding hands everywhere. And it’s what caused us to stay in her house most of the time I was visiting her, even though the weather was beautiful and I wanted her to show me around her neighborhood.

And it’s fear that causes us to have a whole code based on nothing but head nods.

Head nod: there are some soldiers over there.

Head nod: If we weren’t in public, I would kiss you for saying something so sweet.

Head nod: Yeah, we better leave.

Head nod: I love you.

Head nod: This sucks.

Head nod: One day this will end.

Facebook Police

Just got back from– haha, you thought I was gonna tell you, didn’t you. That’s cute.

I just got back from hanging out with Captain Awesome in Militaryville. Don’t ask and I won’t tell. Yes on the Captain Awesome, no on the Militaryville. We had a great time, though! I’ll be posting about it throughout the week. A lot of things happened, most of them good and none of them lifestyle-threatening. But, I’m currently doing damage control on Facebook.

So many people tag photos they upload with the names of the people in them. Which is great — it’s a way of showing the people in the photo that there’s a badass photo of them on the nets.

Unless, of course, you’re a military homo, and said photo is of you standing with your girlfriend next to a six-foot-tall DRAG QUEEN with a giant rainbow FLAG behind you!

I told you we had a good time.

But the photo has to go! Please, friends of military homos–if you care about your friend’s career, be careful with the tagging tool. Try to remember what your soldier friend already remembers 24/7: don’t tell!